There are many stories related to the sinking of the “Titanic.” Some have just come to light due to the success of the recent movie. For example, most people don’t know that back in 1912 Hellman’s mayonnaise was manufactured in England. The “Titanic” was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City.

The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today.

It is known, of course, as…

Sinko de Mayo.

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, “I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?”

The blonde said, “I want 25 gallons. I’m going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.”

The milkman asked, “Do you want it pasteurized?”

The blonde said, “No, just up to my boobs. I can splash it on my eyes.”

Two lawyers, Bob and Bill, were having a heated exchange during a trial. The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench.

“Your Honor,” said Bob, “I objected because my distinguished colleague Bill was badgering the witness. It is obvious he has never heard of the Bill of Rights.”

“Rubbish!” snapped Bill. “I happen to know them by heart.”

Bob rolled his eyes in disbelief. “Do you now? Well, Bill, I have a hundred dollars that says you can’t even tell me the first few words.”

Bill smirked and accepted the challenge and began, “I pledge allegiance to the flag…”

“Damn,” Bob interrupted, fishing the money from his pocket, “I didn’t think you’d know it.”

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.

“Why?” my daughter asked.

“Because it’s been on the ground, you don’t know where it’s been, it’s dirty, and probably has germs” I replied.

At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, “Mommy, how do you know all this stuff, you are so smart.”

I was thinking quickly. “All moms know this stuff. It’s on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don’t let you be a Mommy.” We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

“OH…I get it!” she beamed, “So if you don’t pass the test you have to be the daddy.”

“Exactly” I replied back with a big smile on my face.

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. ‘Human beings are the only animals that stutter’, she says.

A little girl raises her hand. ‘I had a kitty-cat who stuttered’, she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

‘Well’, she began, ‘I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!’

‘That must’ve been scary’, said the teacher.

‘It sure was’, said the little girl. ‘My kitty raised his back, went ‘Fffff, Fffff, Fffff’…And before he could say ‘F*ck’, the Rottweiler ate him!’

The teacher wet her pants laughing…….

1. Wear your glasses. Make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner’s name on your hand in case you can’t remember.

6. Keep the polygrip close by so your teeth don’t end up under the bed.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.

8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.

10. Don’t even think about trying it twice.
(This was sent in large type so you can read it.)

A man walks into a bar, he sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the barman, “Why are those two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling?”

The barman replies, “It’s a competition which we run every night. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get free drinks for the whole night.”

“Great!” says the man, “but what if I can’t reach them?”

“Then you have to buy all the drinks for everyone all night,” the barman answers.

“Do you want to try?”

“No, but thanks anyway.”

“Why not?”, asks the barman.

“The steaks are too high.”

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman’s personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the buttocks.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows exactly what she wants.
Your Approach: You won’t have to approach her,> if she is interested, she’ll send YOU a drink.

Drink: Wine - (does not include White Zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.

Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is…. this should be an easy target.

Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk…… and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed this evening. Nothing to do but wait. However, be careful not to make her mad!

Then there is the MALE addendum. The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:

Domestic Beer: He’s poor and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Wine: He’s hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.

Whiskey: He doesn’t give a hoot about anything but getting laid.

Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.

White Zinfandel: He’s gay.

I believe that earlier this year the US Postal Service also issued a set of stamps featuring american racehorses.

This must be one of the great ironies of the horse racing industry. If a horse wins its races it gets put on the front of a postage stamp. If it loses it gets put on the back!

Next mood swing: 6 minutes

I hate everybody, you’re next.

And your point is………….?

I used to be a schizophrenic, but we’re OK now.

I’m busy. You’re ugly. Have a nice day.

Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

Of course I don’t look busy …. I did it right the first time.

Why do people with closed minds always have their mouths open?

You have the right to remain silent so please use it!

If we are what we eat I’m fast, cheap and easy.

I’m out of estrogen and I have a gun.

Chaos, Panic, Disorder — My work here is done.