A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. ‘Human beings are the only animals that stutter’, she says.

A little girl raises her hand. ‘I had a kitty-cat who stuttered’, she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

‘Well’, she began, ‘I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!’

‘That must’ve been scary’, said the teacher.

‘It sure was’, said the little girl. ‘My kitty raised his back, went ‘Fffff, Fffff, Fffff’…And before he could say ‘F*ck’, the Rottweiler ate him!’

The teacher wet her pants laughing…….

1. Wear your glasses. Make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner’s name on your hand in case you can’t remember.

6. Keep the polygrip close by so your teeth don’t end up under the bed.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.

8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.

10. Don’t even think about trying it twice.
(This was sent in large type so you can read it.)

A man walks into a bar, he sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the barman, “Why are those two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling?”

The barman replies, “It’s a competition which we run every night. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get free drinks for the whole night.”

“Great!” says the man, “but what if I can’t reach them?”

“Then you have to buy all the drinks for everyone all night,” the barman answers.

“Do you want to try?”

“No, but thanks anyway.”

“Why not?”, asks the barman.

“The steaks are too high.”

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman’s personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the buttocks.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows exactly what she wants.
Your Approach: You won’t have to approach her,> if she is interested, she’ll send YOU a drink.

Drink: Wine - (does not include White Zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.

Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is…. this should be an easy target.

Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk…… and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed this evening. Nothing to do but wait. However, be careful not to make her mad!

Then there is the MALE addendum. The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:

Domestic Beer: He’s poor and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Wine: He’s hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.

Whiskey: He doesn’t give a hoot about anything but getting laid.

Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.

White Zinfandel: He’s gay.

I believe that earlier this year the US Postal Service also issued a set of stamps featuring american racehorses.

This must be one of the great ironies of the horse racing industry. If a horse wins its races it gets put on the front of a postage stamp. If it loses it gets put on the back!

Next mood swing: 6 minutes

I hate everybody, you’re next.

And your point is………….?

I used to be a schizophrenic, but we’re OK now.

I’m busy. You’re ugly. Have a nice day.

Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

Of course I don’t look busy …. I did it right the first time.

Why do people with closed minds always have their mouths open?

You have the right to remain silent so please use it!

If we are what we eat I’m fast, cheap and easy.

I’m out of estrogen and I have a gun.

Chaos, Panic, Disorder — My work here is done.

The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse is that you cannot post:
‘Thou Shalt Not Steal,’
‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’ and
‘Thou Shall Not Lie’,
in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians !

It creates a hostile work environment.

I’m reading an incredibly interesting book about antigravity. “I just can’t put it down.”

I am reading a book on the paranormal, I didn’t buy it it just appeared….

I just *know* someone is going to post about the psychic’s book…

I was going to buy “The power of Positive Thought”, but what’s the point..

I heard about a great book concerning how to deal with apathy but I couldn’t be bothered to go to the store and buy it.

I tried reading a book about natural fertilizers for your garden but it was full of crap.

I was going to buy a book on curing procrastination but I put of until tomorrow….or maybe the day after.

I tried to read a book on curing insomnia, but I kept falling asleep.

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: ‘Hi, how are you?’

I’m not the type to start a conversation in the men’s restroom, but I don’t know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, ‘Doin’ just fine.’

And the other guy says: ‘So what are you up to?’

What kind of question is that? At that point, I’m thinking this is too bizarre so I say: ‘Uhhh, I’m like you, just traveling.’

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. ‘Can I come over?’

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, ‘No……..I’m a little busy right now!!!’

Then I hear the guy say nervously…

‘Listen, I’ll have to call you back. There’s an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions.’

A young Chinese couple get married.

She’s a virgin, and truth be told he’s a virgin too, but she doesn’t know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

“My darring,” he whispers, “I know dis you firss time and you berry frighten.”

“I pomise you, I give you anyting you wan, I do anyting - juss anyting you wan, You juss ask. Whatchu wan?’ he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.

She eventually shyly whispers back, “I want to try someting I have heard about from other girls… numbaa 69.”

More thoughtful silence, this time from him.

Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her… “You really wanting… Garric Chicken with Corrifrowa?”