Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually, she slept throught the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was sleeping, “Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?” When Mary Margaret didn’t stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. “God Almighty!” shouted Mary Margaret.

The teacher said, “very good” and continued teaching the class. A little later the nun asked Mary Margaret, “Who is our Lord and savior?” But she didn’t stir from her slumber. Once again, little Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt. “Jesus Christ!” ” shouted Mary Margaret and the teacher once again said “very good and Mary Margaret fell back to sleep.

The teacher asked her a third question “what did Eve say to Adam after she had her tenth child?” Again, Johnny to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, “if you stick me with that damn thing one more time, I’ll break it in half!” The teacher fainted

A mother and a baby camel were talking one day when the baby camel asked, “Mom, why do we have these huge three-toed feet?”

The mother replied, “Well son, when we trek across the desert, our toes will help us stay on top of the soft sand.”

Two minutes later the young camel asked, “Mom, why do we have these long eyelashes?”

They are there to keep the sand out of our eyes on the trips through the desert,” the mother said.

“Mom, why have we got these great big humps on our back?”

“They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods of time.”

“So we have huge feet to stop us from sinking, long eyelashes to keep the sand out of our eyes, and these humps to store water.”

“Yes dear,” said the mother.

“So why are we in the San Diego Zoo?”

“Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit.”

“It’s been hotter’n a goat’s butt in a pepper patch.”

“He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.”

“Have a cup of coffee, it’s already been ’saucered and blowed.’”

“She’s so stuck up, she’d drown in a rainstorm.”

“It’s so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs.”

“My cow died last night so I don’t need your bull.”

“Don’t pee down my back and tell me it’s raining.”

“He’s as country as corn flakes.”

“This is gooder’n grits.”

“Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor.”

“If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.”

Two boys from the mountains, Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants. Not long after, they’re out for a walk and Leroys says, “Hey, Jasper, there’s the NCO Club. Let’s you and me stop in.”

“But we’re privates,” protests Jasper. “We’s sergeants now,” says Leroy, pulling him inside. “Now, Jasper, I’m a-gonna sit down and have me a drink.”

“But we’re privates,” says Jasper.

“You blind, boy?” asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. “We’s sergeants now.” So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. “You’re cute,” she says, “and I’d like to date you, but I’ve got a bad case of gonorrhoea.”

Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, “Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhoea means. If it’s okay, give me the okay sign.”

So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign. Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhoea. “Jasper,” he says, “what fo’ you give me the okay?”

“Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhoea affects only the privates.” He points to his stripes. “But we’re sergeants now!”

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah”.

The teacher asked, ” What if Jonah went to hell?”

The little girl replied, “Then you ask him.”

A drunk man who smelled like booze sat down on a bench next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, ‘Say Father, what causes arthritis?’

The priest replies, ‘My Son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.’

The drunk muttered in response, ‘Well, I’ll be damned,’ then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. ‘I’m very sorry.

I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?

The drunk answered, ‘I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, ‘I would like to buy some cyanide.’

The pharmacist asked, ‘Why in the world do you need cyanide?’

The lady replied, ‘I need it to poison my husband.’

The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed, ‘Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband. That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!’

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, ‘Well now, that’s different….. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.’

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, were chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men…. that night. All three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes .

After a few days they meet again…..

The engaged girlfriend said: ‘The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4′ stilettos and mask. He said, ‘You are the woman of my life, I love you, then we made love all night long.’

The mistress stated: ‘Oh Yes! The other night we met in the office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn’ say a word. We just had wild sex all night.’

The married one then said: ‘The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, ‘Hey Batman, what’s for dinner ?’

A young boy of four was going into hospital to have his tonsils removed. He told his playmate I’ll be gone for awhile I have to have surgery. On the day he was admitted his mother asked Dr. could you please circumcise him while he is asleep.

The Dr. agreed. The boy woke up and was very sore down there for several days.

After about a week he got to see his playmate again. The playmate informed him that he was also going to have to have his tonsils out soon. He asked him to tell him about the surgery.

The little boy replied ‘all I can tell you is your tonsils ain’t where you think they are.’

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels……Helllloooo!!!…..bottles won’t fit in printer!

March - Got really excited…..finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months…..box said “2-4 years!”

April - Trapped on escalator for hours ? power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid…..wrong instructions….8 cups of water won’t fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing…..couldn’t find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition…..learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm….car swamped because soft-top was open.

September - The capital of California is “C”….isn’t it?

October - Hate M & M’s…..they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days. Instructions said 1 hour per pound - I weigh 108!!

December - Couldn’t call 911…. “duh”….there’s no “eleven” button on the stupid phone!