“Yes, Bubba, that is true.”

Bubba asked, “And people are suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries, is that true, mister lawyer?”

“Sure is Bubba, but why do you ask?”

“Cause I was thinkin’ maybe I can sue Budweiser for all them ugly women I’ve been wakin’ up with”

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car.

Think before you continue reading This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However , you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered:

“I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.”

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to “Think outside of the Box.”

HOWEVER..

The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.

Damn, I just love happy endings!

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. Fortunately, an Exxon station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas.

The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait, and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas, and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptist ladies watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, ‘If it starts, I’m turning Catholic.’

A women’s rights group approached the Pope the next day. They noticed that the pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind

The next day, after His sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, “Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini” - Blessed be Mankind and Womankind.

The next day, a gay-rights group approached the Pope. They said that they noticed that he blessed man kind and woman kind, and asked if he could also bless gay people. The Pope said, “Sure”.

The next day, the Pope concluded his sermon with, “Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini, et Tuti Fruiti.”

A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don’t know.

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent ink pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

High blood pressure sufferers: Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Olympic athletes. Conceal the fact that you have taken performance enhancing drugs by simply running a little slower and letting someone else win.

Heavy smokers: Don’t throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you’ll have enough to insulate your ceiling.

Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron fillings.

X File fans: Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You’ll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously ‘erased’.

A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective substitute for costly maps when visiting the Sahara desert.

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.

Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick.

Then they all started shouting. ‘14…14…14…14….’.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: “I’ve got bad news for you. You’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it”.

The man looks a little perplexed and says: “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc”.

The doctor answers: “I’m sorry,there’s no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate your pen*s”.

The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion”.

The doctor replies: “Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice”.

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his pen*s and proclaims: “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Very lare disease”.

The guy says to the doctor: “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what we can do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my pen*s?”

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: “Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!”

“Oh, Thank God!”, the man replies.

“Yes”, says the Chinese doctor, “You no worry! Wait another couple of weeks. Penis fall off by itself!”

Margaret looks him over, ‘Nope.’

Frustrated Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and > walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.

Again, he asks, a little louder this time, ‘Notice anything different NOW?’

Margaret looks up and says, ‘Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging downtoday it was hanging down yesterday, and it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.’

Furious, Bert yells, ‘AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?’

‘Nope,’ she replies.

‘IT’S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!’

To which Margaret replies…

‘Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat!

Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had bad day at the office. I know you’ve been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it’s not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It’s a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I’ve used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It’s like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now since I don’t have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn’t stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with 5 other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3 agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling 35 minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn’t poop for 2 days because my butthole was swollen shut.

So, next time you’re having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

The teacher said, “very good” and continued teaching the class. A little later the nun asked Mary Margaret, “Who is our Lord and savior?” But she didn’t stir from her slumber. Once again, little Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt. “Jesus Christ!” ” shouted Mary Margaret and the teacher once again said “very good and Mary Margaret fell back to sleep.

The teacher asked her a third question “what did Eve say to Adam after she had her tenth child?” Again, Johnny to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, “if you stick me with that damn thing one more time, I’ll break it in half!” The teacher fainted