My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked,’Do you know her?’
‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’
‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security applic ation.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too’
Husband and wife are in bed together.
She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder.
She: “Oh, that feels good.”
His hand moves to her breast.
She: “Gee, honey, that feels wonderful.”
His hand moves to her leg.
She: “Oh, honey, don’t stop.”
But he stops.
She: “Why did you stop?”
He: “I found the remote.”
A psychotherapist was enjoying a growing practice since he graduated college. So much so that he could now afford to have a proper sign advertising his services. So he told a kid to paint a signboard for him & put it above his clinic entrance.
Instead of his business building up, it declined steeply. He had especially noticed the ladies shying away from his clinic after reading the sign. So he decided to check it out for himself. One look and he understood why. The boy only found a small wooden board to paint the sign on and he had split the word psychotherapist into the 3 words. His new sign read:
Psycho-
the-
rapist
Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN ) for 6am . While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA ) Was perking, he shaved with his Electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), Designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and Tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA) After cooking his breakfast in his new Electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA) He sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) To see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) To the radio (MADE IN INDIA), he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) filled it with GAS (from Saudi Arabia) and continued his search For a good paying AMERICAN JOB.
At the end of yet another discouraging And fruitless day checking his Computer (Made In Malaysia), Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL) Poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) And turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA),
And then wondered why he can’t find a good paying job in AMERICA.
An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall, so he called in an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, “I am a history buff, and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer’s mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week, and when I return I expect to see it completed.”
Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding this there were hundreds of Indians in various stages and different positions of making love. Furious he called the artist in.
“What the hell is this?” screamed the billionaire.
“Why that’s exactly what you asked for,” said the artist smugly.
“No! I didn’t ask for a mural of pornographic filth, I asked for a mural of the interpretation of Custer’s last thoughts!”
“And there you have it,” said the artist, “I call it, ‘Holy cow look at all those f*cking Indians!’”
There are many stories related to the sinking of the “Titanic.” Some have just come to light due to the success of the recent movie. For example, most people don’t know that back in 1912 Hellman’s mayonnaise was manufactured in England. The “Titanic” was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City.
The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today.
It is known, of course, as…
Sinko de Mayo.
A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, “I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?”
The blonde said, “I want 25 gallons. I’m going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.”
The milkman asked, “Do you want it pasteurized?”
The blonde said, “No, just up to my boobs. I can splash it on my eyes.”
Two lawyers, Bob and Bill, were having a heated exchange during a trial. The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench.
“Your Honor,” said Bob, “I objected because my distinguished colleague Bill was badgering the witness. It is obvious he has never heard of the Bill of Rights.”
“Rubbish!” snapped Bill. “I happen to know them by heart.”
Bob rolled his eyes in disbelief. “Do you now? Well, Bill, I have a hundred dollars that says you can’t even tell me the first few words.”
Bill smirked and accepted the challenge and began, “I pledge allegiance to the flag…”
“Damn,” Bob interrupted, fishing the money from his pocket, “I didn’t think you’d know it.”
I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.
“Why?” my daughter asked.
“Because it’s been on the ground, you don’t know where it’s been, it’s dirty, and probably has germs” I replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, “Mommy, how do you know all this stuff, you are so smart.”
I was thinking quickly. “All moms know this stuff. It’s on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don’t let you be a Mommy.” We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.
“OH…I get it!” she beamed, “So if you don’t pass the test you have to be the daddy.”
“Exactly” I replied back with a big smile on my face.
