During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.

Well, said the Director, we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.

Oh, I understand, said the visitor.

A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.

No said the Director, A normal person would pull the plug out.

Do you want a bed near the window?

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips on the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine all the yawns from the little princesses). To demonstrate how difficult it had be! en to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers .. and then there are educators.

Why We Miss Rodney Dangerfield Because he said . ..

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, ‘Come on over. There’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

If it weren’t for pickpockets, I’d have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, ‘Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?’ She said, ‘No, I hate myself now.’ I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That’s when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders. My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I’m so ugly, I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, ‘Why?’ He said, ‘Because you came home early.’ My wife’s such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I’m not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling..

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night.

MY FAVORITE: My family was so poor that if I hadn’t been born a boy, I wouldn’t of had anything to play with.

Somewhere in the deep South, Bubba called an attorney and asked, “Is it true they’re suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?”

“Yes, Bubba, that is true.”

Bubba asked, “And people are suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries, is that true, mister lawyer?”

“Sure is Bubba, but why do you ask?”

“Cause I was thinkin’ maybe I can sue Budweiser for all them ugly women I’ve been wakin’ up with”

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car.

Think before you continue reading This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However , you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered:

“I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.”

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to “Think outside of the Box.”

HOWEVER..

The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.

Damn, I just love happy endings!

In California Unleaded gas went to $4.00 a gallon last Thursday.

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. Fortunately, an Exxon station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas.

The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait, and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas, and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptist ladies watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, ‘If it starts, I’m turning Catholic.’

The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase, “Tuti Homini” - Blessed be Mankind.

A women’s rights group approached the Pope the next day. They noticed that the pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind

The next day, after His sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, “Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini” - Blessed be Mankind and Womankind.

The next day, a gay-rights group approached the Pope. They said that they noticed that he blessed man kind and woman kind, and asked if he could also bless gay people. The Pope said, “Sure”.

The next day, the Pope concluded his sermon with, “Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini, et Tuti Fruiti.”

Tape a chocolate bar to the outside of your microwave. If the chocolate melts you will know that the microwaves are escaping and it is time to have the oven serviced.

A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don’t know.

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent ink pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

High blood pressure sufferers: Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Olympic athletes. Conceal the fact that you have taken performance enhancing drugs by simply running a little slower and letting someone else win.

Heavy smokers: Don’t throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you’ll have enough to insulate your ceiling.

Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron fillings.

X File fans: Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You’ll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously ‘erased’.

A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective substitute for costly maps when visiting the Sahara desert.

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, ‘13…13….13…13.’

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.

Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick.

Then they all started shouting. ‘14…14…14…14….’.

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he awakes one morning to find his pen*s covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: “I’ve got bad news for you. You’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it”.

The man looks a little perplexed and says: “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc”.

The doctor answers: “I’m sorry,there’s no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate your pen*s”.

The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion”.

The doctor replies: “Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice”.

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his pen*s and proclaims: “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Very lare disease”.

The guy says to the doctor: “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what we can do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my pen*s?”

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: “Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!”

“Oh, Thank God!”, the man replies.

“Yes”, says the Chinese doctor, “You no worry! Wait another couple of weeks. Penis fall off by itself!”