Dear employee:

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future.

Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the next fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. This program will be known as S.L.A.P. (Severance of Late-Aged Personnel).

Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place.

This review phase of the program will be called S.C.R.E.W. (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Elderly Workers).

All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This appeal is called S.H.A.F.T. (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).

Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate. If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get HE.R.P.E.S. (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel’s Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).

As H.E.R.P.E.S. and C.L.A.P. are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received H.E.R.P.E.S . ALTERNATIVELY, C.L.A.P. will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our: Special High Intensity Training ( S.H.I.T.).

We take pride in the amount of S.H.I.T . our employees receive. We have given our employees more S.H.I.T. than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough S.H.I.T. on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the S.H.IT . you can stand.

And, once again, thanks for all your years of loyal service with us!

The Management

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crab. A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator, which she did.

The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. She was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York , she announced over the intercom to the entire cabin, ‘Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans , please raise your hand?’

Not one hand went up..so she took them home and ate them herself. Men never learn!

So your daughter’s a hooker,
and it spoiled your day…
Look at the bright side,
she’s a really good lay.

My tire was thumping….
I thought it was flat….
when I looked at the tire….
I noticed your cat… Sorry

You had your bladder removed
and you’re on the mends….
here’s a bouquet of flowers
and a box of Depends.

You’ve announced that you’re gay,
won’t that be a laugh,
when they find out you’re one
of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

Happy Vasectomy!
Hope you feel zippy!
‘Cause when I had mine
I got real snippy.

Heard your wife left you…
How upset you must be…
But don’t fret about it ….
She moved in with me

You totaled your car…
and can’t remember why…
could it have been…

“Doctor, my child has swallowed a magnet!”

“Don’t panic, the magnet should pass through his system soon.”

“How will I be sure?” she pressed.

“Stick him on the refrigerator. When he falls off, you’ll know.”

Also known as ‘women’s intuition,’ this sixth sense thing is no myth. Women seem to know what’s going on in their man’s lives almost better than they do. Why is this?

In the early 80’s researchers discovered that women have more connections between the brain’s two hemispheres than men do. It’s these connections that allow them to put together a puzzle from seemingly unconnectable pieces.

That, and they go through all your stuff while you’re in the shower!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

3. Sunday sports It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

4. Crying is blackmail.

5. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work!

6. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

7. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

8. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

9. If you think you’re fat, you probably are.

10. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

11. You can either ask us to do something. Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

12. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

13. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

14. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

15. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

16. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” We will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle..

17. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, Expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

18. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine . . . . Really.

19. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football or tanks.

20. You have enough clothes.

21. You have too many shoes.

22.Every dish can be improved with bacon.

23.Do not trust a man who calls the bathroom “the little boys room.”

24.Women who sound sexy on the phone weigh 350 pounds.

25.No talking at the urinal.

26.A man may own exactly one pair of holiday-themed boxers.

27.Never date a woman whose father calls her “princess.”

28.A PBS tote bag does not make you an intellectual.

29.The weirder the cell phone ring, the more annoying the person.

30.Real men don’t dance.

Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change. Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust.

Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couples of singles and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile.

The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers. Frank is outraged by his friend’s act of generosity.

“What on earth did you do that for?” shouts Frank. “You know he’s only going to use it on drugs or booze.”

Matt replies, “And we weren’t?”

A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten, who were excessively mischievous.

The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be confident that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were involved in some capacity. The parents were at their wit’s end as to what to do about their sons’ behavior.

The parents had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so they contacted him, and he agreed to give it his best shot. He asked to see the boys individually, so the eight-year-old was sent to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, “Where is God?”

The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, “Where is God?”

Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face, “WHERE IS GOD?”

At that, the boy bolted from the room, ran directly home, and slammed himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, “What happened?”

The younger brother replied, “We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!”

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds. As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?

“Heavens no, we bought it.”

“Then why don’t you drive it away.”

“We can’t drive.”

“Then why did you buy it?”

“We were told that if we bought a car here we’d get screwed …so we’re just waiting.

I’ve noticed the strangest thing about men who hang out in bars a lot.

It seems they have only one of two reasons to be there: They have no wife to go home to… or they do.