I was working in a scrap yard in Southern England during summer vacation at an engineering university. I used to work repairing construction equipment.

One afternoon, I was taking apart a piling hammer that had some very large bolts holding it together. One of the nuts had corroded on to the bolt; to free it, I started heating the nut with an oxy-acetylene torch.

As I was doing this, one of the dimmest apprentices I have ever known came along. He asked me what I was doing. I patiently explained that if I heated the nut, it would grow larger and release its grip on the bolt so I could then remove it.

“So things get larger when they get hot, do they?” he asked.

Suddenly, an idea flashed into my mind (I know not from where.)

“Yes,” I said, “that’s why days are longer in summer and shorter in winter.”

There was a long pause, then his face cleared and he said,

“You know, I always wondered about that.”

Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year-old white male resident of Wilmington, NC, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday. Davidson will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday.

The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. “You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn’t,” he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail.

Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged “need”. “I guess I was just really into it, you know?” he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the Wilmington Municipal police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him. “It was an unusual situation, that’s for sure.” said officer Taylor. “I walked up to (Davidson) and he’s…just working away at this pumpkin.” Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Davidson. He just went up and said, ‘Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?’ He got real surprised as you’d expect and then looked me straight in the face and said,

“A pumpkin? Damn… is it midnight already?”

Bill meets Doug shopping at the mall and sees he has a small gift wrapped box.

“It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow.” Doug said. “Last week I asked her what she wanted for her birthday.”

“And???” Bill asked.

“Well, she said ‘Oh, I don’t know just give me something with diamonds in it’.”

“So what did you get her?” asked Bill.

“I bought her a deck of cards!!”

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself ~~’Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.’
— Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered.. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: ‘No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.’
— Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
— Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
— George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- - Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
— Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
— Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
— Groucho Marx

I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon.
Then it’s time for my nap.
— Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
— W.C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
— Will Rogers

Don’t worry about avoiding temptation as you grow older, it will avoid you.
— Winston Churchill

Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty , but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
— Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.
— Billy Crystal

The cardiologist’s diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.

A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country, and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring, “Run….run!” The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent, “R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!”

A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams, “R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!”

The next batter holds his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk. The Scotsman stands up yelling: “R-r-run ya Bahstard, r-r-run!”

All the surrounding fans chuckle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whispers, “He doesn’t have to run, he got four balls.”

The Scotsman yells even louder, “Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!”

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.”

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn’t been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot . . So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing. “We missed the R ! We missed theR ! We missed the R !”

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, “What’s wrong, father?”

With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, “The word was…

“CELEBRATE !!!

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

Conclusion:

Eat and drink what you like. It’s speaking English that kills you.

Creation vs Evolution has been settled!

A little girl asked her mother, “How did the human race come about?”

The Mother answered, “God made Adam and Eve; they had children and, so all mankind was made.”

A few days later, the little girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, “Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from them.”

The confused girl returns to her mother and says, “Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God , and Papa says we developed from monkeys?”

The Mother answers, “Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your father told you about his side.”

A 5-year old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting furniture, he looked up and said, “Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend?”

Grandma replied, “Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can set in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good.

The comedies make me laugh. I’m so happy with my TV as my boyfriend.” Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting on the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring so he hurried to open the door.

When he opened the door, there stood Grandma’s minister. The minister said, “Hello son is your grandma home?”

The little boy replied, “Yeah, she’s in the bedroom bangin’ her boyfriend.”

An infantry brigade was training in the summer heat, learning methods to counter offensive tactics. That summer, the area had experienced an infestation of rattlesnakes. Officers and NCOs were given one magazine of live ammunition to counter this danger, as several men had already been bitten.

So much ammunition was expended shooting, supposedly, at snakes that the post commander demanded that every officer and NCO who had shot at a snake present the dead snake as proof that the expenditure of rounds was justifiable.

The next day, the post commander entered his office and spotted a shoe box on his desk. He opened it, revealing a sleepy and sluggish, but very live, rattlesnake. Inside the box were twenty expended cartridges, and a short note. The note said, “I missed!”